As a youngster I ws bullied, over-weight and developed a real sense of unworthiness. I was never an alpha male in the playground and naturally got along better with the girls,. I went to a all male high school where I met a guy who became my best friend. Around about the same time I was buying porn magazines -first just ladies , then showing guys with girls and finally i bought a gay magazine. I always preferred straight magazines. As a boy I had "fancied" girls and when I was 15 was in love with my female cousin. At 16 I guessed that my best mate was gay and due to my perceived lack of masculinity and the real sexual excitement I got from the gay porn assumed that I was also. I thought that I loved this guy, told him but he never felt the same. From 16-20 I had much sexual contact with guys I met on chat lines etc...the first few times I could not climax and to this day I have never received anal. aged twenty to now I have mostly met men in cubs and the internet.I longed for a loving relationship but over the years the longest I have had is a couple of months and I always felt that the "relationship" was lacking something. Although out as gay I would still meet girls who I felt attracted to but could not relate to them as anything other then a "queen". Until I was 14 I shared a bedroom with two older sisters and clearly remember being caught masterbating at a young age by my mother and also my sisters.Meybi this helped to create the sense of guilt I have always felt in association with female sexuality.I don't know. Last year I slept with a woman for the first time -it was a drunken thing and like my first experiences I did not climax but I think that my guilt had more to do with the fact that her bf was sleeping in another room. The next day she acted as if she did not remember anything which I respected. A friend of mine once said that what you are attracted to is largely what you choose to sexualise, it has always stayed with me.So now I accept that I fancy women and am slowly trying to acept my own version of masculinity but feel isolated and do not know how to start. I still feel like a teenager in many ways. I think that my high sexual drive got me into trouble and going to a boys school plus being fat I always felt unworthy of women. I would love to be in a loving relationship with a woman but how do I move on from what I have become. All the advice on the internet comes from a religious perspective but I genuinly have no moral problem with homosexuality I think that I simply came out and identified as a gay man to escape dealing with my insecurities.Meybi I was originally just going through a phase and meybi I was really bi , i dont kno wbut I do know that I am not satisfied anymore from my sexual encounters with men and find myself longing to hold a woman more and more. If any one out there has any advice or comments I would be so grateful as I have nobody to speak with about this as when I try people either cant understand or simply do not want too. If you are still reading this; thank you for taking the time.